Realization
Being a wife taught me a great deal, then becoming a mother taught me so much, but being a wife AND a mother has taught me even more collectively. I was a wife for 3 years prior to becoming a mother, and I felt as though I was simply just that. It wasn't until we had our son that I knew that I was so much more than just a wife, and here recent, that I was more than just a mother too. That moment of awakening and finally realizing your truth is an awesome experience. You realize that your life is not solely those things, that you have your own identity apart from that. So often, as women we become so consumed in the lives of those around us, that we forget that we are just as important, and arguably more important than those around us. But we get frowned upon for thinking this way. Yes our husbands (or significant other) are important. Yes our children are very important. But realizing your truth is just as important. Realizing your identity is very important. Realizing YOUR Purpose is extremely important. Until you grab hold of these realizations, whether married or not/children or not, most times life ends up feeling stagnant at some point.
Most people have that moment where they say "There has to be more to life than this." I know I did PLENTY OF TIMES. It wasn't until recent that I knew that latter statement is so true. It's when I realized my emotions, my well-being, and what I want out of life are just as important as the closest people to me, that I'm always supporting and always rooting for, and always trying to find the right words to say as to make sure I'm not hurting their feelings. But I was hurting myself trying to not hurt them, because I was putting what I know I want and need emotionally, and out of life on the back burner, when that is NOT okay. I hit a very low slump in 2017, it got progressively worse towards the end. Not many people even knew this, my husband didn't even know the depths of my depression. I tried so hard to let those around me know, but really I was crying within when I thought I was crying outwardly. I was so ashamed for these feelings I was experiencing daily. I'm a wife and a mother. I was "suppose" to have it together. But I didn't, I constantly felt like I didn't know what the heck I was doing. I hated my job. I hated I felt like I needed my mother's help constantly. I hated that at any point of any day I just wanted to cry and I didn't know why. The only person who knew the depths of my sorrow was my best friend, whose basically my sister. Then I hit a point where I just simply could not handle my inner thoughts and myself anymore. I told my husband through email while sitting in the car in the driveway after coming from the gym. (Which by the way that gym session was a counseling session with my bff HAHA) I told my parents while crying in their kitchen. My mother then immediately made me an appointment with a family doctor for that same week.
I don't think I've ever felt so lifeless, low, and helpless in my whole life. My doctor recommended me to get counseling through any form I felt comfortable. I knew I had postpartum but I thought I was just crazy. The doctor confirmed the latter.....well not the crazy part HAHA but that I hadn't totally dealt with my postpartum, and I had a lot on my plate with my husband having being miles away for work during the week for months, our son was sick for months with no real answers why. And even though I had my parents/family I felt like I was doing it alone from the beginning. So postpartum on top of years of emotional turmoil I thought I had dealt with and let go is a hot mess of emotions. On the outside looking in, you'd think I had it together but I was far from together. Honestly I'm still far from having it together.
My coming to Jesus moment was when I actually told myself I don't have it together and actually being okay with that, having a deep conversation with my husband, and being honest with myself. The ultimate things were realizing I had to put my emotions first and speaking the truth this time no matter what the outcome (not dancing over people because of fear of hurting them when they say whatever the heck they want to me all the time), that I too am just as important as my husband, my child, my friends and whoever else. The last thing was giving my whole being, thoughts, soul, mind, and worries to my Creator. It wasn't until then, that the weight lifted. I could finally own my truth, figure out this walk in my purpose, and see my identity in this world and my Creator come to light. These feelings don't go away over night and sometimes they try to creep back, we are not perfect, but we learn how to handle them, and we learn our triggers. BUT We have to stop being so hard on ourselves, and actually own our emotions. They make us who we are. Also STOP apologizing for your feelings, and why certain actions done by others make you feel those emotions. It's okay, don't make excuses for that/them. And go see that doctor, have that counseling session with your friends, talk to someone, get help! Only then can we be our true selves.
WALK/OWN/FIND:
YOUR TRUTH
YOUR PURPOSE
YOUR IDENTITY
AND BE GREAT... LIFE IS AN ENDLESS JOURNEY
P.S.
If I hadn't gone to the doctor I wouldn't have known that my vitamin D was low that I basically had none in my body. That fact alone probably aided to some of my depression, vitamin D controls a lot of things in your body. Also if you didn't know having low vitamin D is very common in people of color, so go see the doctor if you haven't. Birth Control can also affect your mood, I am a person who is very in-tune with themselves and early on in my depressive state I knew my BC was aiding in it. I was on the Depo Shot and switched to Low Estrogen pills, that was one of the best things I could've done as well. Listen to your body, get to know your body, and listen to your Spirit.
Most people have that moment where they say "There has to be more to life than this." I know I did PLENTY OF TIMES. It wasn't until recent that I knew that latter statement is so true. It's when I realized my emotions, my well-being, and what I want out of life are just as important as the closest people to me, that I'm always supporting and always rooting for, and always trying to find the right words to say as to make sure I'm not hurting their feelings. But I was hurting myself trying to not hurt them, because I was putting what I know I want and need emotionally, and out of life on the back burner, when that is NOT okay. I hit a very low slump in 2017, it got progressively worse towards the end. Not many people even knew this, my husband didn't even know the depths of my depression. I tried so hard to let those around me know, but really I was crying within when I thought I was crying outwardly. I was so ashamed for these feelings I was experiencing daily. I'm a wife and a mother. I was "suppose" to have it together. But I didn't, I constantly felt like I didn't know what the heck I was doing. I hated my job. I hated I felt like I needed my mother's help constantly. I hated that at any point of any day I just wanted to cry and I didn't know why. The only person who knew the depths of my sorrow was my best friend, whose basically my sister. Then I hit a point where I just simply could not handle my inner thoughts and myself anymore. I told my husband through email while sitting in the car in the driveway after coming from the gym. (Which by the way that gym session was a counseling session with my bff HAHA) I told my parents while crying in their kitchen. My mother then immediately made me an appointment with a family doctor for that same week.
I don't think I've ever felt so lifeless, low, and helpless in my whole life. My doctor recommended me to get counseling through any form I felt comfortable. I knew I had postpartum but I thought I was just crazy. The doctor confirmed the latter.....well not the crazy part HAHA but that I hadn't totally dealt with my postpartum, and I had a lot on my plate with my husband having being miles away for work during the week for months, our son was sick for months with no real answers why. And even though I had my parents/family I felt like I was doing it alone from the beginning. So postpartum on top of years of emotional turmoil I thought I had dealt with and let go is a hot mess of emotions. On the outside looking in, you'd think I had it together but I was far from together. Honestly I'm still far from having it together.
My coming to Jesus moment was when I actually told myself I don't have it together and actually being okay with that, having a deep conversation with my husband, and being honest with myself. The ultimate things were realizing I had to put my emotions first and speaking the truth this time no matter what the outcome (not dancing over people because of fear of hurting them when they say whatever the heck they want to me all the time), that I too am just as important as my husband, my child, my friends and whoever else. The last thing was giving my whole being, thoughts, soul, mind, and worries to my Creator. It wasn't until then, that the weight lifted. I could finally own my truth, figure out this walk in my purpose, and see my identity in this world and my Creator come to light. These feelings don't go away over night and sometimes they try to creep back, we are not perfect, but we learn how to handle them, and we learn our triggers. BUT We have to stop being so hard on ourselves, and actually own our emotions. They make us who we are. Also STOP apologizing for your feelings, and why certain actions done by others make you feel those emotions. It's okay, don't make excuses for that/them. And go see that doctor, have that counseling session with your friends, talk to someone, get help! Only then can we be our true selves.
WALK/OWN/FIND:
YOUR TRUTH
YOUR PURPOSE
YOUR IDENTITY
AND BE GREAT... LIFE IS AN ENDLESS JOURNEY
P.S.
If I hadn't gone to the doctor I wouldn't have known that my vitamin D was low that I basically had none in my body. That fact alone probably aided to some of my depression, vitamin D controls a lot of things in your body. Also if you didn't know having low vitamin D is very common in people of color, so go see the doctor if you haven't. Birth Control can also affect your mood, I am a person who is very in-tune with themselves and early on in my depressive state I knew my BC was aiding in it. I was on the Depo Shot and switched to Low Estrogen pills, that was one of the best things I could've done as well. Listen to your body, get to know your body, and listen to your Spirit.
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