Warm and fuzzy feelings I thrive on, always have for as long as I can remember. However, since the passing of my father, avoiding those once thrived upon feelings had become a norm. I realized I was associating positive feelings connected to him as negative emotions. Simply put, because it reminded me too much of him. Once I stopped connecting the memory of my father, as something bad all the time is when I became free of the fear of what my mind and heart were capable of handling. I unknowingly was afraid that my soul would lose its strong tie to my father. But what my spirit actually needed was to relinquish control that I had tangled my own self in. I've been Afraid of losing the entire 27 years I spent my life within his presence. Afraid of time moving forward and getting further away from the time spent together, causing the memory of him to become so distant I wouldn't be able to unlock the memory of film in my mind. Afraid of the guilt brought upon me for healing as time goes on and I’m no longer deeply mourning his warm crooked smile, to the point where I don’t want to get out of bed. When truth be told you can never forget who has impacted your life to the point where they’re the blueprint of your being, because of everything they instilled in you. They are forever with you and forever will be.
I noticed I was disconnecting my joy I had of baking whenever someone would order a chocolate on chocolate cake. It just pained me to know that the very cake my father loved he could no longer have. I could no longer make it for him or hear him talk my ear off about how amazing it tastes. I can hear him and see him smiling now as he rants on and on about it. He also liked to joke about how he could possibly make one too, that would taste just as good.
Funny thing is even though chocolate cake, with smooth chocolate buttercream, and chocolate ganache was his favorite, he never asked me to make it. I can’t remember my father really asking for anything, especially anything that would bring pleasure solely to him. Daddy was that type of person. He did for others, and he asked others what they needed. He put our needs and desires above his own, because that was his joy.
Looking back I used to question why he never asked to do anything, or request anything special on his birthday. Even reflecting upon his sudden and early age of death, I’ve thought he wasn’t done living, there was so much more he could’ve done. But within that I realized a lot of that was my own selfish desires of things I wanted him to do with me or with his grandchildren. Although all those feelings are valid, and rightfully so because he’s my father, I sometimes have to stop myself in my track. I’m learning through my grief journey to pick apart those great memories of my father and see them for what they are, and reflect upon his life. And to not see his death as a life incomplete.
My father did soooo much for so many people, he tried all the foods he wanted to try lol, he helped so many people in the community, he served in politics, he served at the shelters, he served at soup kitchens, he served his country in the Army and Air Force, he traveled, he went fishing which he loved, he had a bachelors from NSU, he had a masters in Theology, he was almost at the finish line for his doctorate just a month shy which he now has an honorary doctorate for, and most importantly he created the family dynamic that he desired. So we will always feel like there was so much more life to be lived and that’s true but at 64 my father lived his life and it was fulfilled. I know his ancestors are proud of him and his God because he did more than I could ever fathom.
I can only hope that my son and my nephew grow up to have those same positive and impactful qualities as my father. I can only hope that I stand true to the values he placed in my life, and stand true in knowing how to be treated as woman by the values he instilled in me as a little girl growing into a young woman. I am learning to not associate the wonderful memories of my father as bad emotions. There will be plenty of tears along this journey, many days of missing his presence and jokes, but I will not be afraid of the power of my spirit in channeling all of his amazing vibrations and spiritual presence.
I'm learning a new way of life. I am forever changed. Initially I thought I was too was dying, but I feel stronger now, than I did before.
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